Tip 5: The 3 things about people that stress you most and what you can do about them.
Mary brought her son, Ian to see me. Ian is blond with blue eyes and his voice is changing as expected with a 15 year old teen.
If you took one look at him you could tell he would rather be playing video games than talking to me.
His mom was irate; “Dr Oudi, Ian can’t control his temper with his younger sister Nicki. His dad took away his Xbox because he kicked her.”
I turned to Ian; “So Ian do you have a dream.”
“I guess, soccer,” he said.
So who do you think is the best player?
He didn’t hesitate, “Messi is the best”.
“Ian what do you think it takes to be that good at something?
“I think, focus & creativity, he replied.”
I was impressed with his answer. It was obvious that Ian loved soccer. The worst news I discovered is that if he gets into trouble one more time his dad is not going to let him finish the soccer season.
My next question for Ian, I’ll direct at you; what is it about people that stresses you most?
In my experience it falls under 3 categories:
- Things people do that you wish they wouldn’t.
- Things people don’t do that you wish they would. &
- Traits such as selfish, mean, unfair, manipulative and stubborn.
When I asked Ian which one of them does your sister Nicki fall under he said; “that’s easy, all of them.”
We eventually narrowed it down to her annoying TRUMPET playing.
Here is usually how it goes in Ian family. Nicki plays the trumpet loud, Ian tells her to turn it down and so she plays even louder. He gets angry and then gets into trouble.
Ian claims he is a positive thinker but when
I asked him how many benefits can you find when it comes to your sister’s trumpet playing? What do you think he said? ‘0’. Is that being positive? Positively not.
Ian’s assignment was to find the positive side of the situation. He came up with 3 separate incidences. Ian explained them;
“One time when she was loud, while I was watching T.V., I concentrated more on the players than on the commentator. I picked up some soccer moves that helped me elevate my performance in soccer.” On another occasion Ian was doing his homework and to tune Nicki’s trumpet playing out he put on his headset and listened to music. This helped him get his homework done faster and made doing his school work more fun. This is now the way he studies. On a third occasion Ian explained his great discovery. “In anticipation of her playing the trumpet, I figured out a creative way to avoid it. I come home eat, put on my headset, get my homework done quickly. Then my parents are proud I did my homework and they let me play all the soccer that I want outside with my friends.’
Ian’s mom Mary returned to the clinic for a follow up, “Dr. Oudi, Ian finished the season with his team and they won the championship, his grades are much better & my favorite news of all Ian and Nicki are best friends again.”
So what do you think made the difference for Ian. Well Mary said it perfectly; ‘Thank you Dr Oudi for helping Ian UNCOVER THE BENEFITS.’
Initially Ian was asking the wrong questions. Why is she so annoying? Should I punch her with my left hand or right hand? Kick her or trip her? Pour peanut butter or honey down her trumpet. But Ian knows know that you can’t change people but you can change the effect they have on you. How? by uncovering the benefits.
In the end Nicki wasn’t just a trumpet player but a soccer coach of sorts because she clearly helped Ian exercise his focus and creativity.
You don’t have to waste your time trying to change your trumpet player?
Just realize what it is about people that stresses you most are the things you haven’t taken the time to uncover the benefits in yet.
As you continue to pursue your most inspired results in life why not consider asking this question more often; What’s the benefit?